Pobre Suegra Siniestra
viernes, junio 16, 2006
Suegra. Seis letras para que el humor chileno sustentara sobre ellas el personaje más vilipendiado de las rutinas cómicas. Qué sería de Dino Gordillo sin sus chistes de suegras brujas, impertinentes y bigotudas. Algo podría decir Coco Legrand al respecto. Más podría decir Pepo: Condorito no sería el mismo sin doña Treme.
Suegra. La palabra me suena agria, siniestra, tremenda. Como casi todas palabras que combinan una consonante seguida de la "r". Creo que ese factor es determinante en la animadversión que provoca en tí la madre de tu esposa o pareja: una vez denominada con una palabra que incluya dicha combinación, no puedes menos que querer evitarla, camino seguro al odio.
Fíjense en los adjetivos que utilicé para describir: agria, siniestra, tremenda. Todas con un "r" siguiendo a la consonante. Con una "r" en medio las cosas suenan terribles, irreversibles, desalentadoras, superlativas. "Tremenda mina", "Brutal agresión", "Grave accidente", "Trabajo". Todas palabras cargadas de exageración y a veces, de depresión, intrínseca o connotativa, para bien o mal."Suegra" parece traer un códígo de barras descifrable instantáneamente, sin que siquiera tenga alcanzar a tener a la verdadera Suegra en mente.
Conocí a una o dos Suegras que tuve y a ninguna la vi más de diez veces; no me cayeron mal, pero si hubiese tenido que ser asertivo, tendría que haber dicho: "discúlpeme, la imagen de la suegra de Condorito se antepone a usted y usted parte cayéndome mal".Cuando pienso que las mujeres que quiero serán Suegras, me desanimo. Más mal me siento cuando recuerdo que el encargado de convertir en Suegra a la que más quiero de todas, fui yo. Sólo un par de veces, mi madre sacó las garras propias de la arpía que lleva dentro la palabra desglosada en las letras S-U-E-G-R-A.
A veces, las pocas veces en que recuerdo esa palabra (como ahora), prefiero pensar en que Suegra se les llama a las dos rebanadas finales y escuálidas de cada extremo de un molde de pan.Y recordé la palabra porque quise escribir algo sobre un Suegro, pero devenido en suegro porque su hijo se le adelantó en la conquista de una compañera de oficina. Todo, porque es necesario vengar a los suegros que se han involucrado con sus nueras. Fíjate, cuando ella dice "mi Suegro"; pocas veces lo dirá con desagrado ( a menos que se trate de un energúmeno): primer indicio de que el enemigo vive en casa. Es más, algunas suelen decirlo con un dejo de picardía, dejando entrever que pese a sus años, su panza, sus canas, su caminar desgarbado, el viejo sigue manteniendo cierto garbo. Si la nuera es osada, de seguro en el plano privado se imagina a tu padre cuando joven.
Créelo a pie junto. Te lo dice alguien cuyo padre no conoció a casi ninguna de sus pololas, pero la que logró conocer, ni siquiera miró por ser diametralmente opuesta a sus gustos. Sólo por eso y porque vive lejos, yo vivo tranquilo. Porque la historia del suegro cagando a un pobre hijo, me da vueltas.
Por eso me adelantaré en escribir la venganza.
Siéntanse vengados los futuros cornamentados por sus padres.
Y siéntanse vengados contra ese personaje que no te deja besar a su hija en público, que en su mente retorcida ve cualquier arrumaco como un gesto obseno de tocación. Contra el mero macho man que tiene miedo de que tú seas un cualquiera (que en efecto, eres), que sólo quiere hacer con su hija lo que el evitó imaginarse por una década y media. Contra el que no te dejó pololear tapadito con una frazada en el sillón frente a la tele.
Contra el que tenía la mente tan cochina como tú cuando empezó a comerse a tu Suegra
Suegra. La palabra me suena agria, siniestra, tremenda. Como casi todas palabras que combinan una consonante seguida de la "r". Creo que ese factor es determinante en la animadversión que provoca en tí la madre de tu esposa o pareja: una vez denominada con una palabra que incluya dicha combinación, no puedes menos que querer evitarla, camino seguro al odio.
Fíjense en los adjetivos que utilicé para describir: agria, siniestra, tremenda. Todas con un "r" siguiendo a la consonante. Con una "r" en medio las cosas suenan terribles, irreversibles, desalentadoras, superlativas. "Tremenda mina", "Brutal agresión", "Grave accidente", "Trabajo". Todas palabras cargadas de exageración y a veces, de depresión, intrínseca o connotativa, para bien o mal."Suegra" parece traer un códígo de barras descifrable instantáneamente, sin que siquiera tenga alcanzar a tener a la verdadera Suegra en mente.
Conocí a una o dos Suegras que tuve y a ninguna la vi más de diez veces; no me cayeron mal, pero si hubiese tenido que ser asertivo, tendría que haber dicho: "discúlpeme, la imagen de la suegra de Condorito se antepone a usted y usted parte cayéndome mal".Cuando pienso que las mujeres que quiero serán Suegras, me desanimo. Más mal me siento cuando recuerdo que el encargado de convertir en Suegra a la que más quiero de todas, fui yo. Sólo un par de veces, mi madre sacó las garras propias de la arpía que lleva dentro la palabra desglosada en las letras S-U-E-G-R-A.
A veces, las pocas veces en que recuerdo esa palabra (como ahora), prefiero pensar en que Suegra se les llama a las dos rebanadas finales y escuálidas de cada extremo de un molde de pan.Y recordé la palabra porque quise escribir algo sobre un Suegro, pero devenido en suegro porque su hijo se le adelantó en la conquista de una compañera de oficina. Todo, porque es necesario vengar a los suegros que se han involucrado con sus nueras. Fíjate, cuando ella dice "mi Suegro"; pocas veces lo dirá con desagrado ( a menos que se trate de un energúmeno): primer indicio de que el enemigo vive en casa. Es más, algunas suelen decirlo con un dejo de picardía, dejando entrever que pese a sus años, su panza, sus canas, su caminar desgarbado, el viejo sigue manteniendo cierto garbo. Si la nuera es osada, de seguro en el plano privado se imagina a tu padre cuando joven.
Créelo a pie junto. Te lo dice alguien cuyo padre no conoció a casi ninguna de sus pololas, pero la que logró conocer, ni siquiera miró por ser diametralmente opuesta a sus gustos. Sólo por eso y porque vive lejos, yo vivo tranquilo. Porque la historia del suegro cagando a un pobre hijo, me da vueltas.
Por eso me adelantaré en escribir la venganza.
Siéntanse vengados los futuros cornamentados por sus padres.
Y siéntanse vengados contra ese personaje que no te deja besar a su hija en público, que en su mente retorcida ve cualquier arrumaco como un gesto obseno de tocación. Contra el mero macho man que tiene miedo de que tú seas un cualquiera (que en efecto, eres), que sólo quiere hacer con su hija lo que el evitó imaginarse por una década y media. Contra el que no te dejó pololear tapadito con una frazada en el sillón frente a la tele.
Contra el que tenía la mente tan cochina como tú cuando empezó a comerse a tu Suegra
30 Comments:
yo cacho que por eso nunca he presentado un pololo en la casa...
commented by 
Anónimo, 10:58 p. m.
Anónimo, 10:58 p. m.
Este blog ha sido eliminado por un administrador de blog.
Este blog ha sido eliminado por un administrador de blog.
pucha que escribes bien Nico; tenís el don de la palabra (como en el comercial de celulares), lo cual se agradece.
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waaa, la cagó, muy buena.
pero una pregunta: tan siniestra fue mi madre contigo?
pero una pregunta: tan siniestra fue mi madre contigo?
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"All it requires are a few basic outfits. And there's one key - the easier the better." - Cary Grant
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